poem

There your heart will be also (Moving)

As I load the van a second time today,

I realize that moving, for one like me,

Is just transporting the debris of my broken life

from one place to another and then hiding

it from myself.

 

This load goes to the landfill.SOLID WASTE AUTHORITY-2

My daughter’s crib can go.

Why did I keep that?

A box of carefully packed framed photos

of the wedding.

 

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living…

Some kids toys that didn’t fit in this house

ended up becoming squirrel habitat

in the shed.

 

Oh, God, why didn’t you kill me

three years ago when I was blissfully ignorant??

I know I shouldn’t treasure anything

in this life, but my family

was a treasure.

 

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to be alone.

I’m sick of helping people.

I’m sick of my fake surreal life.

I want out.

 

Where is my breakthrough?

I’m trying to come to terms

with your bringing everything to term.

I don’t know what’s going on in this womb of despair.

I just want out.

 

God, I hate my life. I hate it.

I know you’re in this, somewhere.

I know you have a plan,

or I wouldn’t still be here.

Any hints?

 

I take another walk down the roadIMG_4689

that crosses behind my house.

I look out across the fields through tears

at farms of people I don’t know.

I cry and snot…

 

I’m shouting at You in the middle of the road,

out across the fields.

If anyone is around I’m sure they think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am.

Maybe…

 

Three tissues weren’t enough for this walk.

I’d better return to the house.

It’s not home. I’m homeless now.

Any house without a helpmate

is not home.

 

Daddy, I know you’re a jealous cuss.

I know you don’t want me to want this

near as strongly as I do.

But you can’t hold me at night or fall asleep

drooling on my chest.

 

I’m tired. I hate this. I hate me.

Everything is so gray and tasteless.

I can’t even sleep anymore.

Won’t you at least let me sleep??

Help me!

 

God, I hate moving…

 

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A Unique Breed

Based on a photo by gumption, Some Rights Reserved

We cry over trucks;

tears streaming over joyous laughter

at the sight of Covenant, Swift, or United.

 

We are spiritual juggernauts,

standing flint-faced in the gap

refusing to accept the world’s death sentence.

 

We know “happiness is not the truth”.

So, we embrace holiness and obedience,

taking the suffering that comes along.

 

The words, “but God”, cause our hearts

to stand to their feet, in fiero,

defiantly pumping fists to the air.

 

We call the circumstances circumspect,

living by faith not sight;

a unique breed for sure.

 

We’re misunderstood by many

and pitied by most…

“God bless your little heart…”

 

Call us crazy.

Call us stupid.

Call us what you want.

 

We’re waiting for further review

from a higher authority on the matter.

We’d appreciate your prayers, though.

 

We are a unique breed.

Stand strong, brothers and sisters.

He’s got this.

Vows, covenants, and sickness

I put our wedding pictures back up on the dresser today.

Some rights reserved by Hamed Saber

Some rights reserved by Hamed Saber

Interesting that you take them down when you stop by…

You feel that I’m unable to face reality… move on…

Your parents even encouraged me to do so.

It’s sad really; that God’s word means so little to so many.

 

I made some vows and I entered a covenant.

There was something in there about sickness and turns for the worse.

I meant those things, though I never pictured it quite like this.

I used to run scenarios in my mind… maybe I’m a bit strange.

I knew I wouldn’t leave if you lost your hair, face, limbs, or your ability for physical intimacy.

 

I was ready for tragic accidents…

I was ready for cancer of the body.

I never imagined cancer of the heart… the soul… the mind.

I never imagined the enemy would capture you.

Yet, it’s no different. I still stand by you.

 

I know you probably feel like I’m trying to trap you…

to keep you from “getting on with your life”.

You likely would think I’m mad if I told you.

He talks to me. The God of the universe speaks.

I’m standing, as long as He tells me to stand.

 

I know you don’t want to hear about “God and covenants”.

I know you could care less about my “feelings”.

Look, this has nothing to do with “feelings”.

I don’t feel like fighting this. It is exhausting.

I don’t feel like being lonely much of the time.

 

If you had gotten a terrible degenerative disease,

would you not expect me to stand by you and love you through it?

Here I stand.

If someone had kidnapped you, would you not expect me look for you?

Here I stand.

 

I know you don’t believe your heart will change.

You may not even think anything is wrong.

I believe in the God who stops the sun, raises the dead, and created you.

If He says He’s got this,

who am I to argue? You take it up with Him.

Identity Crisis

firststandingpostI don’t know what to do.

I don’t know where to go.

I don’t know what to say.

I don’t know how to act.

Honestly, I don’t know who to be.

 

I’m with her.

I’m with them.

I’m a husband.

I’m a father.

That’s all I want to be.

 

I don’t want to be a mover.

I have no desire to shake.

I don’t want to be a politician.

I don’t need to travel.

I was happy.

 

Now I don’t know what to be.

I’ve been ripped up…

…and a little ripped off.

I feel like running

or perhaps throwing up.

 

Who am I.

Child of the King always seems so abstract…

More so when discarded by your own.

What am I even doing here?

God, help me.

 

10

Ten years ago today

you, the God of the universe,

of all that is was and will be,

witnessed and blessed our covenant together.

 

You were there through all of our brokenness,

our dysfunction, our happiness, our striving.

You alone know us, our hearts, our souls.

You alone know how to restore order from this chaos.

 

I don’t know what to ask.

A miracle would be swell.

A sign would be nice as well.

I could use an anniversary gift.

 

God, I need You.

God, I need You.

No, I don’t need You to fix it tonight.

Though that would be ideal.

I don’t need wisdom right now.

Well, I always need that…

 

God, I need You.

Not the idea of You…

Not Your perfect Word…

Not a sign, though that would be nice…

I need You!

 

Like that whole relationship thing

that we Christians are always saying makes us different…

I need to be comforted.

I need to be held.

I hurt more than I’ve ever hurt my whole life.

 

I know You’ve hurt more.

I get that.

So let me feel Your presence.

Comfort those who mourn.

I mourn. I could use some comfort.

Sunday…

Screen Shot 2014-05-25 at 4.09.45 PMIt’s a Sunday.

That’s family day…

in our case minus one.

Sunday school drop-off is the worst.

Moms & dads together.

Here I am, just dad again…

 

On my own, I care for the kids.

There’s lunch and nap and play.

It could be worse. I could be alone this week.

My God is in control.

I trust and believe.

He’s up to something…

 

So, I will love my kids.

I will practice the presence…

I will lean wholly on Him,

and I will yearn for some adult conversation.

I will play with Legos.

I will watch Dora, again.

Trading up?

idwell typography

I dwell in a world

of Cheerios, Spider Man, & Dora.

of toys on the floor.

of Legos and Wii.

of laundry & toddler tea parties…

 

The Other Man dwells

in a world

of Politics, fine restaurants.

of Minor Celebrity & bars until 2…

of fun, travel, nice clothes, & zero responsibility.

 

BUT GOD…

 

It sure seems like you’ve traded up.

I definitely can’t compete.

You’re right my identity comes from home.

No, I’m not exciting at all.

But I love you, for real.

 

I made a covenant before God with you.

I meant that whole better / worse thing.

I meant that whole sickness / health thing.

I will wait forever… til death.

I know you say you’ll never come back.

 

BUT GOD…

 

My God hates divorce.

My God loves you more than I do.

My God is bigger than your heartache.

My God is bigger than my failings.

My God will move this mountain!

 

Saul had free will.

So did Jonah.

So I will pray for your Damascus Road.

So I will stand and grow in him.

He will bring you home.