There your heart will be also (Moving)

As I load the van a second time today,

I realize that moving, for one like me,

Is just transporting the debris of my broken life

from one place to another and then hiding

it from myself.


This load goes to the landfill.SOLID WASTE AUTHORITY-2

My daughter’s crib can go.

Why did I keep that?

A box of carefully packed framed photos

of the wedding.


I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living…

Some kids toys that didn’t fit in this house

ended up becoming squirrel habitat

in the shed.


Oh, God, why didn’t you kill me

three years ago when I was blissfully ignorant??

I know I shouldn’t treasure anything

in this life, but my family

was a treasure.


I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to be alone.

I’m sick of helping people.

I’m sick of my fake surreal life.

I want out.


Where is my breakthrough?

I’m trying to come to terms

with your bringing everything to term.

I don’t know what’s going on in this womb of despair.

I just want out.


God, I hate my life. I hate it.

I know you’re in this, somewhere.

I know you have a plan,

or I wouldn’t still be here.

Any hints?


I take another walk down the roadIMG_4689

that crosses behind my house.

I look out across the fields through tears

at farms of people I don’t know.

I cry and snot…


I’m shouting at You in the middle of the road,

out across the fields.

If anyone is around I’m sure they think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am.



Three tissues weren’t enough for this walk.

I’d better return to the house.

It’s not home. I’m homeless now.

Any house without a helpmate

is not home.


Daddy, I know you’re a jealous cuss.

I know you don’t want me to want this

near as strongly as I do.

But you can’t hold me at night or fall asleep

drooling on my chest.


I’m tired. I hate this. I hate me.

Everything is so gray and tasteless.

I can’t even sleep anymore.

Won’t you at least let me sleep??

Help me!


God, I hate moving…



Nearly 2:00 am

A Prayer…

IMG_4676Well, God, it is 1:58 am, and I can’t sleep. I’ve asked You for sleep, but You’re not giving me sleep for whatever reason. I got on my knees and prayed. Maybe I’m supposed to be praying for someone…

I ended up sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor crying. If You want to have a conversation, then here we go. I hate my life! I hate it so so much. I just want it to get better! I want out of this depressing in-between place where nothing seems right and everything seems gray and dull and meaningless.

I’m dating someone really great… Thank you for bringing her into my life, and I hope that that goes somewhere. She’s pretty non-committal, though, and she doesn’t have very much time to devote to spending time with me. Is this just one more person who is passing the time with me waiting for something better to come along? I can’t take much more of that.

The wife of my youth is now officially married, with the name-change and all, so don’t talk to me about standing and restoration. That ship has sailed and You didn’t do a damn thing about it. So, I’m asking You to bring me into something new. I’d like it if you would bless and grow the relationship I’m in now, if it is a relationship…

Honestly, I just want to hold someone and be held in return! I want my help-mate! My life is not “very good”. It’s very not good. It’s ugly and empty and broken and sad and lonely and I hate hate hate it so bad!

Why, God, did You not just kill me three years ago when I was blissfully enjoying my life? I even remember telling You that I was so happy that You could take me out right then. You didn’t. You left me in this world to experience more pain than I ever thought was possible. You know me. You are supposed to love me! You know how much I hate being alone! You know how much pain I’m in right now! Daddy, if you love me, why won’t you help me?  I know that sometimes we need discipline and challenge and trials to grow, but we need love and tenderness and gifts of love too! I feel like an abused, neglected child. It has been two and a half years!

Help me! Show up! Did You forget about me, over here in the corner, crying my guts out? Oh Father, have mercy on me! Help me! If nothing else, just let me sleep! I keep proclaiming that “I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).

I will wait upon you. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to take heart. Father, I’m waiting for a breakthrough. You know what I want. I know You have a plan and You know what’s best, but I am in a lot of pain right now. This doesn’t feel like Your best.

Help me! I want out of this in-between place! Help me!

In Jesus Name,


Another wrinkle

Brothers, fellow male standers, this is for you. I recently “found” this series… okay, I’ve come across it about 30 times over the last year, but didn’t want to listen to it. I always had a reason not to. It didn’t apply to me, etc.  A couple of night ago, I felt lead to listen to it, but I played video games until midnight and fell asleep in the first 5 minutes of the talk. The next night, I tried to listen and again, I fell asleep. Last night I listened, and was amazed at what I heard. Brothers, I am anxious to hear your thoughts on this. Please listen, particularly to parts one and two, embedded below. Parts three and four a linked.

I do not know whether I was lead to listen to this or mislead to listen to this. I don’t know exactly what to come away from this with, but I do know that my wife is still trying to dominate my life even though she has been living with another man for over a year.

I’m not looking to have anyone burned at the stake here. I just have a new way to pray. Whether mislead or not, I am praying against the spirit of witchcraft and its influence over my family. I’m interested in your thoughts on this, brother standers. Does this ring true in your experience? Does this seem like pure insanity? Is it somewhere in between?


Father, I’m trying to be obedient…

to “wait upon” you.

to stand strong.

Give me the strength

to learn what I must.

I hurt today…

more than I have in a long time.

I’m tired… so tired.

I feel inept to this task,

and I don’t seem to be growing.

I should be more mature.

I shouldn’t want to escape

or hide in a hole.

Why is it so hard to do simple things,

like open my mail?

Why does every decision seem

to pit my heart against my wallet?

How long, oh Lord…

how long?

Come quickly.

I would have broken down and lost it by now,

unless I really believed

That I would see the goodness of the Lord

In the land of the living.

So, I wait…

Forgive my impatience.

Forgive my selfish heart.

You seek growth…

while I long for comfort.

Help me hold on.

I’m trying…

some days more than others.

My focus is all off.

It hasn’t even been a year…

and already I struggle.

Another prayer for those who stand…

Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus we come before you this evening, not as distant supplicants, begging to be heard, but as sons and daughters, joint heirs with Christ. We come now boldly and freely into your presence, freely asking these things according to your will, sure that you’re listening, confident that what we’ve asked for is as good as ours. So, we pray for our prodigal spouses this evening, wherever they are in the far country, and ask that you give them life.

Your word says that if we seek You earnestly and plead with You, if we are pure and upright, even now You will rouse Yourself on our behalf and restore you to your prosperous state. It also says that no one who hopes in You will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause. May those who seek our lives be disgraced and put to shame; may those who plot our ruin be turned back in dismay. Do not turn us over to the desires of our foes, for false witnesses rise up against us, our own one-flesh partners used as tools of the enemy, spouting malicious accusations. I remain confident of this:

We will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living!!!

Father, in the name of Jesus, we take hold of these promises with thanksgiving, calling You to restore us to our prosperous state in the land of the living. Jesus Christ became a curse on the cross so that we might receive the blessing! I therefore call us blessed, and not cursed. I call our marriages blessed. I call our families blessed. I call our homes blessed. We are sons and daughters, joint heirs with Christ! In Your eyes, we are more than conquerors. We are an elite force of prayer warriors. We are mighty in Your power. You have called all of us to this place in this time to be your heralds; to proclaim your words to our sphere of influence; to stand, saying, “YOUR WILL BE DONE!” We rise up to proclaim it. We rise up to tear down the Jericho walls and move the mountains.

The bolts of our gates will be iron and bronze, and our strength will equal our days. There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides across the heavens to help us and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is our refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out our enemies before us, saying, ‘Destroy them!’ The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against our families will be defeated before us. They will come at us from one direction but flee from us in seven.

So as our spouses prepare for bed this evening, we know that You do speak—now one way, now another—though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, You may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn them from wrongdoing and keep them from pride, to preserve them from the pit, their lives from perishing by the sword.

God, You will block their paths with thorn bushes; wall them in so that they cannot find their way. Take them out of their sin inertia! Wall them in so that it is easier to do your will than to continue on in their sin. Turn their hearts toward home and smooth their path in that direction.

I know that your word that goes out from your mouth: It will not return to you empty, but will accomplish what YOU desire and achieve the purpose for which You sent it.

I ask all of these things in Jesus name, Amen.


I’ve lost track of half of these scripture references, because it just spews out anymore… suffice to say that most of this prayer comes from Job, Psalms, Hosea, Deuteronomy, Isaiah, and 1 John.

Legal Claims – A Scripture Prayer

Father in Heaven,

Your kingdom come. May your rule and reign be manifest among us here. We come today asking for our daily bread. You know our claims. Just as Your son promised us the Holy spirit, he said that we will no longer ask You anything. “Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete” (John 16:22-24).

So, I come now boldly and freely into your presence, freely asking these things according to your will, sure that you’re listening, confident that what I’ve asked for is as good as mine. So, I pray for our prodigals and ask that you give them life (1 John 5:13-16). Lord, open their eyes and turn them from darkness to light and from the power of Satan to God, so that they may receive forgiveness of sins and a place among those who are sanctified by faith in You (Acts 26:18).

Heavenly Father, we are at war. Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Ephesians 6:12). You have given us authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm us (Luke 10:19). Whatever we bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever we loose on earth will be loosed in heaven (Matthew 18:18). If we make You, the Most High, our dwelling, then no harm will befall us, no disaster will come near to our tents. For You will command Your angels concerning us to guard us in all our ways (Psalm 91:9-11). The bolts of our gates will be iron and bronze, and our strength will equal our days. “There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides across the heavens to help us and on the clouds in His majesty. The eternal God is our refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. He will drive out our enemies before us, saying, ‘Destroy them!’ (Deuteronomy 33:25-27 NIV).

Many are the plans in our spouses’ hearts, but it is YOUR purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21). So we are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6). I call upon that promise tonight, right now, in Jesus name! May they have Godly sorrow that brings repentance, leads to salvation and leaves no regret (2 Corinthians 7:10). Lord, we know that their lives are not their own; it is not for them to direct their steps (Jeremiah 10:23).

Whatever we ask for in prayer, and believe that we have received it, then it will be ours (Mark 11:22, 24). Jesus has told us that whoever believes in Him will do the works He had been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because He is with You. And You will do whatever we ask in Jesus’ name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. We may ask You for anything in Jesus’ name, and YOU will do it (John 14:12-14 NIV).

We will not be afraid; we will not be put to shame. We shall not fear disgrace; we will not be humiliated. we will forget the shame of our youth and remember no more the reproach of our widowhood. For our Maker is our spouse— the Lord Almighty is His name— the Holy One of Israel is our Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call us back as if we were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit— a wife who married young, only to be rejected,” says our God. (Isaiah 54:4-6 NIV) Since You are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of YOUR NAME lead and guide us. Keep us free from the trap that is set for us, for You are our refuge. (Psalm 31:3, 4 NIV)

Forgive us our trespasses. If we confess our sins, You are faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (‭1 John‬ ‭1‬:‭9‬ NIV). Help us also to forgive our spouses, their non-covenant partners, and those around us who support the sin and persecute us in our stand.

As temptations come our way, strengthen us. We know that no temptation has overtaken us except what is common to mankind. And You are faithful; You will not let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. But when we are tempted, You will also provide a way out so that we can endure it (1 Corinthians 10:13). I claim that promise tonight for myself and my fellow standers and even for our prodigals.

I ask all these things, knowing that you will fulfill them, For no matter how many promises You have made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to Your glory (2 Corinthians 1:20). That is why it is said that Your Word that goes out from Your mouth: It will not return to You empty, but will accomplish what YOU desire and achieve the purpose for which You sent it (Isaiah 55:11). In the name and by the precious blood of Jesus,


Crying out to God


Some rights reserved by Elsie esq.

Some rights reserved by Elsie esq.

I cry out to you! I scream at the top of my lungs in this empty house. I scream and cry out to You! God, my God, My Father, My Daddy, how much longer will You, God of the universe who loves me, allow this pain and injustice to stand? I am determined, with your grace, to remain obedient no matter how long, but how long?? Have I not been put to shame enough?

Lord, must I restate my case?

  1. You hate divorce. (Malachi 2:16)
  2. What you have joined together, man should not separate. (Matt 19:6, Mark 10:9)
  3. Whatever I ask in Jesus name in in Your will, you have heard and it is as good as done (1 John 5:14-15)

You know these things, and I know that I am undeserving of you. I know that I am a wretched sinner. I know that I bear much of the responsibility for this mess. Yet, I seek you, with a broken and contrite heart, to have mercy upon me in Your great love. Forgive me for my many sins, and help me to also forgive. May I look only to You as my God and nothing else. I know that you do not intrude upon free will. Still, I ask you to work in my wife’s life as you did in Gomer’s (Hosea 2:6-7).

Once again, I pray for the hedge of thorns. Frustrate her every attempt to find peace and happiness in this non-covenant relationship, the toxic environment that fostered it, and this new life she is trying to construct with Your blessing. Open the eyes and ears of her heart and speak loudly to her, offering the way of escape. God I ask this hedge of thorns around everyone on vacation this week with this imposter Satan has put in my place. May they find this getaway to be empty, joyless, and frustrating. Fill them with Godly sorrow that leads to repentance and leaves no regret (2 Corinthians 7:10). Speak to all of their hearts and grant your servants boldness to speak the truth. May your Holy Spirit be felt and recognized. The enemy’s powers were broken over two thousand years ago at the cross. Satan and his powers and principalities have no right to touch or torment my wife’s mind. I cover my marriage, our home, our family and all that we have under the blood of Jesus Christ.

Awesome and mighty Father, place your armor upon my family today. Surround them with chariots of fire (2 Kings 6:17). God, I know that those who are with us are more than those who are with them!! I stand firm, awaiting Your deliverance (Exodus 14:13,
2 Chronicles 20:17) and Your victory. Come quickly, Lord (Psalm 70:1)! Do not delay (Daniel 9:19)! Abba, Father, Daddy, I could really use a hug. Come and save me! Please help me!

God, where are you? There are so many broken families suffering under the attacks of the enemy right now! Give ear, our God, and hear; open your eyes and see the desolation of [these families] that bear your Name. We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. Lord, listen! Lord, forgive! Lord, hear and act! For your sake, my God, DO NOT DELAY, because [these families] bear your Name (‭Daniel‬ ‭9‬:‭18-19‬ revised).

I praise you for Your mighty works! I praise you for your perfect love. You have never let me down, and always you are with me! You provide for me even now when my enemies are partying and I am downcast. You are still on Your throne and everything is under Your command. God, this battle is Yours! I love You! I praise You! I cry out to You! You are mighty to save!

In Jesus Name,



Remember your word to your servant,for you have given me hope (Ps 119:49).

I’m tired.

I’m frankly exhausted… There’s a lot I’m supposed to be getting taken care of for the divorce that I am not. Recently, my prodigal asked, “What do you do all day when the kids are with me?”. I wasn’t quite sure, actually. Honestly, I get a lot of little chores done. I eat on occasion. I do get things done that need to be taken care of. The rest of the hours and minutes that are in my day are spent in prayer. I’ve found that I’ve become a bit more deficient in the sustained attention department since this whole thing began…  I only have the stamina to actually focus on any kind of work for about 10 minutes. Then I find myself running to the back yard to pray or the deck to read my Bible. This must be that elusive thirst for God I’ve read about for the 20 or so years but never experienced…

My prayer, basically falls into three areas throughout the day:

  1. Reminding God: Remember your word to your servant,for you have given me hope (Ps 119:49). This is the majority of my prayer time throughout the day. I feel that I have a promise to claim that God can and will restore my marriage. I remind Him to get on that constantly. Here’s my premise for this habit. Give it a listen, you will not be sorry.
  2. Drawing near to God: Hear me as I pray, O Lord.Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming” (Ps 27:7-8). I need more of Him in my life. I suck at this, and I need His spirit in abundance. He’s inviting me to spend more time with Him.
  3. IntercedingThis is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us.And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him.If you see any brother or sister commit a sin that does not lead to death, you should pray and God will give them life (1 John 5:14-16). In addition to mine, there are a lot of prodigal spouses on my heart.

Ultimately, I feel a bit unbalanced. Still, I have not heard, “stop seeking Me” yet. Off to pray for some fellow standers and their prodigals… It’s 10:00.

Mowing the lawn & praying the Psalms

photo-2I’ve never been a guy who loves mowing the lawn. Over the last year, I’ve begun to take more pride in getting it done, though. Mainly because I was mowing the lawn of our family home, the place we were supposed to raise our kids and grow old together. We built it in a beautiful setting in the small town my wife grew up in. Now, every time I make another pass and turn back toward this house on the mower, my heart hurts a little bit more. I find myself crying out to God with each pass and soon tears are freely pouring from my eyes that have nothing to do with my allergies.

I find myself crying out loud from the mower, asking God to end the injustice of my circumstances, to rescue me quickly, to save me from being put to shame for my obedience, to give me some direction, to reveal the truth and to destroy the lies and illusions of the enemy. “Come quickly, God, and save me!” I cannot comprehend how the lover of my soul could allow the enemy to use my help mate, my one-flesh spouse, my best friend, and my covenant partner against me so openly and not stop it now…

As a modern Christian, I’ve often struggled with these feelings and how to express them in prayer. The writers of the Psalms did not have such hangups. Incidentally, much of the language I find myself using from the back of the old Wheelhorse, comes directly from the Psalms. If you’re feeling a bit put upon, abandoned, or neglected in your stand tonight. If you’re struggling with how to “get in God’s face” about your pain, your hurt, and your desperation, without sounding ungrateful or snarky, begin by praying the Psalms. Go grab the Message or, better yet, the Remix, and just get on your knees with a box of tissues and go for it.


May I recommend the following:
  • Psalm 42 (NIV / MSG)
  • Psalm 43 (NIV / MSG)
  • Psalm 69 (NIV / MSG) I recommend stopping at verse 20, unless you can visualize the real enemy… see below.
  • Psalm 38:9-22 (NIV / MSG)
  • Psalm 70 (NIV / MSG)
Remember, that if you are praying some of the imprecatory Psalms, such as Psalm 69, in their entirety, that your enemies are not your spouse and / or any non-covenant partners. “For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” (Ephesians 6:12). If you can visualize the right enemy, go for it. 

Psalm 43 The Message (MSG)1-2 Clear my name, God; stick up for me
against these loveless, immoral people.
Get me out of here, away
from these lying degenerates.
I counted on you, God.
Why did you walk out on me?
Why am I pacing the floor, wringing my hands
over these outrageous people?

3-4 Give me your lantern and compass,
give me a map,
So I can find my way to the sacred mountain,
to the place of your presence,
To enter the place of worship,
meet my exuberant God,
Sing my thanks with a harp,
magnificent God, my God.

5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.


You will notice that in almost all of these Psalms, the writer recognizes at the end the God is still with him and continues to praise. Remember that. Even when it really sucks, and we can’t comprehend the delay, God is still worthy of praise… and probably doing a good deal more behind the scenes for us that we’ll ever know or comprehend.


A lot of my fellow standers are being attacked this week. So am I. The darkness is pretty oppressive. In fact, many of us have taken to meeting together to pray nightly. The enemy does not like this and we have all become a bit depressed, if you will. Here’s a quick scripture prayer that I worked up with some inspiration from my friend Ben.

Awesome God, I pray that the eyes of our hearts may be enlightened in order that we may know the hope to which You have called us, the riches of Your glorious inheritance (Ephesians 1:18 NIV) God, show me what the enemy does not want me to see!

I know that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

You have told us that we, Your church, will not be overcome by the gates of hell and that whatever we bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever we loose on earth will be loosed in heaven (Matt 16:18-19) so we bind the spirit of heaviness and despair from all of the brothers and sisters standing for our marriages today.

I ask all these things in the name of Jesus and by the power His blood,