There your heart will be also (Moving)

As I load the van a second time today,

I realize that moving, for one like me,

Is just transporting the debris of my broken life

from one place to another and then hiding

it from myself.

 

This load goes to the landfill.SOLID WASTE AUTHORITY-2

My daughter’s crib can go.

Why did I keep that?

A box of carefully packed framed photos

of the wedding.

 

I will see the goodness of the Lord

in the land of the living…

Some kids toys that didn’t fit in this house

ended up becoming squirrel habitat

in the shed.

 

Oh, God, why didn’t you kill me

three years ago when I was blissfully ignorant??

I know I shouldn’t treasure anything

in this life, but my family

was a treasure.

 

I don’t want to do this anymore.

I don’t want to be alone.

I’m sick of helping people.

I’m sick of my fake surreal life.

I want out.

 

Where is my breakthrough?

I’m trying to come to terms

with your bringing everything to term.

I don’t know what’s going on in this womb of despair.

I just want out.

 

God, I hate my life. I hate it.

I know you’re in this, somewhere.

I know you have a plan,

or I wouldn’t still be here.

Any hints?

 

I take another walk down the roadIMG_4689

that crosses behind my house.

I look out across the fields through tears

at farms of people I don’t know.

I cry and snot…

 

I’m shouting at You in the middle of the road,

out across the fields.

If anyone is around I’m sure they think I’m crazy.

Maybe I am.

Maybe…

 

Three tissues weren’t enough for this walk.

I’d better return to the house.

It’s not home. I’m homeless now.

Any house without a helpmate

is not home.

 

Daddy, I know you’re a jealous cuss.

I know you don’t want me to want this

near as strongly as I do.

But you can’t hold me at night or fall asleep

drooling on my chest.

 

I’m tired. I hate this. I hate me.

Everything is so gray and tasteless.

I can’t even sleep anymore.

Won’t you at least let me sleep??

Help me!

 

God, I hate moving…

 

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11 comments

  1. I was searching for scripture to comfort myself over a son who is currently on a prodigal path. In early posts I have found encouragement on holding on to the truth of the scriptures and praying for God to work.

    As I continued reading, I felt sorrow for your pain of your wife leaving and breaking your family. There is much pain in this world, but comfort yourself, God has overcome the world.

    This brings me to why I am commenting, which I never do. Look at your post of May 27, 2014. Read it again. You know the truth. Marriage is a covenant for life. God’s Word is very clear, even though modern Christianity wants to deny it. To form a relationship with, or marry another woman is adultry, even though your wife is already guilty of the same. God says you are not free of your marriage covenant until your spouse dies. If she does not return to you, that means the Lord expects you to live a single life, serving Him.

    No adulterer shall inherit eternal life. That is why I am sticking my neck out and reminding you. Are we all so washed by satan’s system that we will just politely keep quiet while people turn their lives toward hell for all eternity? This life is just a vapor, and is so short compared to all of eternity.

    As I read, I saw that self pity and focusing on what you didn’t have seems to have begun to consume your thoughts. The way you think, and self-talk can be a tool unto righteousness or the voice of the devil. The enemy of your soul has worn you down. Perhaps he gained a foothold when you began to accuse God of wrongdoing. It is one of the enemies first tactics (think of Eve.).

    Thankfully, God gives a way of escape. If you Repent of accusing God (Nay but, O man, Who art thou that replies against God?), He is faithful and just to forgive and to cleanse from all unrighteousness. Please return to truth. There are so few who will stand anymore today. In days of old, Saints would die before they would deny the Lord’s commands. I am not saying it is easy. That’s why we need the power of the Holy Spirit, and why we need to walk by faith.

    I am not trying to offend you, or be uncompassionate, but to throw out a lifeline. Ask the Lord if this is true. If you really want the truth, I believe He will tell you. Return unto Me, and I will return unto you, saith the LORD of hosts. Malachi 3:7

    A Sister in Christ

    1. I once thought the same. Fortunately, I am no longer marinating my heart in graceless legalism. I cried out to God for restoration for two years, and he answered by bringing me someone who has been abandoned and rejected in the same ways I have. My church affirms this as an answer to prayer. My closest friends and most respected spiritual mentors affirm this as an answer to prayer. The Holy Spirit is not convicting my heart otherwise. Unfortunately, my wife is as lost as her husband. Are we to be punished for the rest of our lives for their sins? Until God speaks clearly to me that I am to go a different way, I choose to live and to love and to walk out of this man-made prison of shame, rejection, and isolation.

  2. Thank you for the raw and true feelings you have shared. I am forced to move with my kids and soon the sale of our family home will be in two weeks. I feel what you feel because I am going through this too. This hurts and this is surreal.

  3. God says it’s true you have prayed for 2 years or longer but God says you bound my hands because you never prayed from a place of love. You’ve only prayed from a place of hurt and frustration. You reduced to a hurting husband that prays. God says stop praying this way! You don’t have a problem! You might say what do you mean I don’t have a problem I’ve been divorced what about my kids they don’t have their father, my wife is in the arms of another man and you say I don’t have a problem? No you don’t have a problem!! God says your wife is in trouble! How is it possible God says that he lives in you all this time and all you can do is cry for yourself and never once think about the deception she is in and what she is doing not one time have you shed a tear for her, only you and your own pain. The sin she is in leads to destruction and death. Pray from a place of Love and ask for Mercy and Grace on her.

    1. Thank you “Inspiration”….I am standing for my marriage. It has been 21 months. From the day he whispered in my spirit…”wait” to confirming a message in a local church that my children and I decided to attend….”I am fighting for your marriage”. In my stand thus far, God has blessed my life, he has been a husband in ways that I cannot have imagined would be possible. I have nights I cry out while I long for my husband again and then God’s peace is showered over me. I see the turmoil in my husband. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood. Like many others in the world, having the call on your life to stand for what is God’s heart is not easy and cannot be done with out his Holy Spirit. One day I will stand before God and he will ask why I didn’t pray and humble myself to fight for the soul of my husband. I am learning to be alone because I truly am not alone. I grow spiritually everyday and my mind is being transformed daily into the mind of Christ. So many times I am reminded that this world is temporary. I do believe that God will restore my marriage for His Glory in His perfect timing. I don’t marinate in graceless legalism. It is my choice to obey what I cannot deny the Lord has asked me to do. Trust in Him, Pray for the salvation of my husband. He restored my love for my husband so I fervently pray for him. That was the question I struggled with….and his reply was I want you to love your husband like he had loved me. It is not punishment. It hurts at times but not punishment. I pray for grace, mercy and the heart of the Father for each one in this thread. Until He returns.

      1. I’m sorry for my harsh reply.

        I never had even a whisper from God. I just decided to stand. I was in a place of desperation, and it felt like the thing to do.

        I feel like God was never in it… like it was all me, fighting an uphill battle.

        I feel if He has shown me anything, it’s how dark, painful, and empty my marriage was… how I was emotionally abused and neglected and manipulated constantly by my ex wife…

        This seems to be His will. He certainly has done nothing to show me otherwise.

        God Bless you in your Stand.

        Men do come back. Women rarely do.

      2. Hi, I didn’t take it harsh at all. I know that pain and loneliness. I am working through the time thing myself. I have known about the affair for 20 months and it has moved from sneaking around behind families backs to now living together. This is what I have learned…..it’s not God not working or not answering my prayers but my husbands disobedience to the voice God. Standing for marriage, for the covenant goes beyond my marriage. There is a move of God to stand up for his heart and what he hates. I feel lonely and miss being a wife. We are designed for specific roles in what God designed. You are a spiritual leader and was joined and became one by God. I was made a helpmate and made one with my husband. I believe that if its not from God either for my husband or myself that it will not work nor be good. I don’t judge you for walking away from your stand, it is your choice. I believe that if God has called you to this confusing and challenging call that he will pursue and bring you back to his purpose. Maybe this road you have gone down is has been able to show you the struggle your wife is in? Just a thought. I liked your honesty in your previous posts. Raw and true. I can say most standers if not all, have felt what you have. The peace of God, when keeping eyes on Gods purpose for us beyond being a wife or husband and when we surrender our time frame and control, gets us through one more day. Kingdom thinking helps with many of those thoughts many times. Please post on how this new direction goes. Your sister in Christ, ________________________________

      3. A final thought: I was reading over you reply and when you said ……” feel if He has shown me anything, it’s how dark, painful, and empty my marriage was… how I was emotionally abused and neglected and manipulated constantly by my ex wife…” I would take a second thought that he was showing you your need for him at the centre of your marriage. No denying that without God at the forefront……our sin nature will rule.

        Just a different perspective Sister in Christ J ________________________________

    2. I did pray for her in her deception. I prayed for her deliverance, really believing that I had authority to trample on snakes and scorpions. I spoke out in faith for her before believers and unbelievers alike. I prayed 1John5:14-16 for her more than 3 times a day for 6 solid months. I interceded for her in the middle of the night. If I was not praying from a place of love, then I was fully deceived.

      Further, I am still praying for her… and not as a hurting husband. I no longer want her back… ever. I’m simply praying that she can find repentance and a restored relationship with God.

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