Nearly 2:00 am

A Prayer…

IMG_4676Well, God, it is 1:58 am, and I can’t sleep. I’ve asked You for sleep, but You’re not giving me sleep for whatever reason. I got on my knees and prayed. Maybe I’m supposed to be praying for someone…

I ended up sitting in the middle of my bedroom floor crying. If You want to have a conversation, then here we go. I hate my life! I hate it so so much. I just want it to get better! I want out of this depressing in-between place where nothing seems right and everything seems gray and dull and meaningless.

I’m dating someone really great… Thank you for bringing her into my life, and I hope that that goes somewhere. She’s pretty non-committal, though, and she doesn’t have very much time to devote to spending time with me. Is this just one more person who is passing the time with me waiting for something better to come along? I can’t take much more of that.

The wife of my youth is now officially married, with the name-change and all, so don’t talk to me about standing and restoration. That ship has sailed and You didn’t do a damn thing about it. So, I’m asking You to bring me into something new. I’d like it if you would bless and grow the relationship I’m in now, if it is a relationship…

Honestly, I just want to hold someone and be held in return! I want my help-mate! My life is not “very good”. It’s very not good. It’s ugly and empty and broken and sad and lonely and I hate hate hate it so bad!

Why, God, did You not just kill me three years ago when I was blissfully enjoying my life? I even remember telling You that I was so happy that You could take me out right then. You didn’t. You left me in this world to experience more pain than I ever thought was possible. You know me. You are supposed to love me! You know how much I hate being alone! You know how much pain I’m in right now! Daddy, if you love me, why won’t you help me?  I know that sometimes we need discipline and challenge and trials to grow, but we need love and tenderness and gifts of love too! I feel like an abused, neglected child. It has been two and a half years!

Help me! Show up! Did You forget about me, over here in the corner, crying my guts out? Oh Father, have mercy on me! Help me! If nothing else, just let me sleep! I keep proclaiming that “I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13).

I will wait upon you. I’m trying to be strong. I’m trying to take heart. Father, I’m waiting for a breakthrough. You know what I want. I know You have a plan and You know what’s best, but I am in a lot of pain right now. This doesn’t feel like Your best.

Help me! I want out of this in-between place! Help me!

In Jesus Name,

Amen

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3 comments

  1. Keep the faith brother. He will NEVER leave you. He is closest to you when you are broken. Let Him comfort you. I am in a similar place and I know it’s hard man. When you pray for these things you must KNOW He will give them to you but in His time. Yes He knows what is best for you and wants what’s best for you and more. Grieve with joy knowing it will get better. Grieve with joy knowing He is closer to you now than He has ever been. Don’t give up!

  2. My heart broke for you when I read this. I could have written it myself. More than likely, you and I were crying out in the early hours on the same night, calling upon the Lord to help us in our distress and begging Him for sleep; pleading for respite from pain and sorrow.
    My (former) husband divorced me July 22, 2016. Throughout the two years until it was final, I prayed that Jesus would change his heart, save our marriage, release him from the bondage of alcohol and drug addiction, remove the strange woman, and restore our marriage. The divorce finalized August 12. I’ve been officially “put away”.
    Your pain is real and God sees that. He knows our hearts inside and out. The pain can be unbearable. We feel unsure as to how to navigate our “new” lives. We feel empty, broken, apathetic. We grieve over losses we don’t understand. Divorce and adultery are treacherous and the wounds are deep and traumatic. We feel slighted by God because we just can’t understand how He could allow people to hurt us so badly. Those same people who hurt us and violated the laws of our Lord, the same who stood in stubborn rebellion while they were destroying us are accountable to the Lord Almighty, and they will have to answer to Him for the works of their hands. WE are called to love and pray for our enemies. If you feed your heart with prayer, even if somedays it’s a weak “Help me”, Jesus will sow forgiveness where bitterness threatens to grow.
    It’s hard to remember that God has a good plan for us. He will never leave us, and although we can’t always see through the shroud of our anguish, He is protecting us from things that could do us more damage.
    Stand in the strength of your Father, resting on His promises. He has taught me to ask, “what now, Abba?”
    “I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye.” Psalm 32:8

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