Is it “not good”???

If you’re reading this for the usual dose of encouragement and insight, STOP. Hit the back button and leave. I am not having a good Spring. April and May have been hard on me. This is a post of emotional vomit, lamentation, and hard hard questions, many of which aren’t even rational in light of my previous posts. This is a post of pure simple irrational pain. If you’re feeling strong, self-confident, and ready to speak into my pain, read on…

20 “Why is light given to those in misery,
and life to the bitter of soul,
21 to those who long for death that does not come,
who search for it more than for hidden treasure,
22 who are filled with gladness
and rejoice when they reach the grave?
23 Why is life given to a man
whose way is hidden,
whom God has hedged in?
24 For sighing has become my daily food;
my groans pour out like water.
25 What I feared has come upon me;
what I dreaded has happened to me.
26 I have no peace, no quietness;
I have no rest, but only turmoil.”

Job 3:20-26

So, as this stand of mine goes on day after day with no end or resolution in sight. The wise, sagely Christ followers in my life are reassuring me that I am growing so much in my walk of faith. I am told that God is “wooing” me right now and that I need to “abide in His love”. I have to be honest, though. Despite frequent miracles, unmistakable signs, and divine appointments out the wazoo, I am still really really struggling… I get the whole, “I am loved by the God of the Universe” thing, but I really don’t. I’m still working on getting His love from my head to my heart. It’s the spirit of rejection blinding me. I know it is, but I still struggle.

You see, I read the book “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts“, with my wife, several years ago. It was obvious right away that my love language is physical touch.  A friend recently pointed out that it is “a little difficult to get a hug from your heavenly father.” No crap! I keep asking Him for a hug… I tell Him I need to feel love with skin on… If it weren’t for my kids and their constant affection, I believe I would have withered long ago. Standing is so hard for touch people. You can get just about every other love language from your friends, but a short awkward hug from “a bro” just isn’t the same. I want to be held and cry my guts out! I am so sick of not being held! I think this is why I am struggling so much right now… I just have all of this bottled up hurt and no satisfactory way to release it. Due to our screwed up legal system, custody rules and expectations, I am not even allowed to cry in the presence of my children, let alone cry when I am holding them.

I told God that I need restoration soon or some supernatural dispensation of Holy Spirit power, or I am going to crack and go find someone to hold me. I know that is not good stander etiquette, but there it is. No time table (Don’t put God on a time table… Satan will use that against you… ~says everyone from the stander community)… Just a cry for help. My flesh can’t do this anymore. Restore me, kill me, or change my freaking love language! You designed me this way, God. You know how much this hurts! What the heck??

Somehow I’ve made it a whole year without needing to cuddle a pillow to go to sleep… So He has provided some supernatural grace there somewhere. Still I wish I could feel really loved by God in the absence of a person through which I feel that love and favor. I keep asking Him for that. Every day, I ask for that. I think that emotionally I still feel like my rejection by my wife is a rejection by God because I only ever felt loved and favored by Him through the “blessing” of her… Which is of course a slippery slope to idolatry… or is it? God did design us male and female and created us to live in this community.

So, I have some questions… some hard questions for God and for the standing community as a whole.

  1. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good that man should be alone…” It certainly isn’t. How long am I supposed to suffer for my spouse’s sin? How long am I to do life without a help-mate while she enjoys all the privileges and support of having a non-covenant partner, the support of society, the support of friends, and the support of family?
  2. Where is the body of Christ on the weekend when my whole family is with the other man, and I have no one? “I’ll call you brother.” “We’ll get together and do something.” Father, You know how many people said that last week… The weekend rolled around, and I, alone, ended up turning to an online game for community…
  3.  How long am I supposed to believe for restoration, and when am I supposed just start believing that God will graciously keep me alive until I die, this life will suck and be increasingly more painful every day, and then I get to go to be with Him and live happily ever after?
  4. If God hardens and softens hearts throughout the scriptures, according to His plans and whims, then why when our hearts and our prodigal’s hearts harden is it, “just free will”? Where is the the scripture that says, “God touched hearts throughout these scriptures, but from this point forward, you’re all on your own. Good luck. Enjoy your free will.”?

I know that this is not a positive or uplifting message. I know that this is bordering on blasphemy. I am not trying to make anyone stumble. I’m just crying out for encouragement. I’m looking for someone to speak into my pain and confusion and help me transcend my flesh because it is crying so much more loudly than my spirit right now. This year of starving my flesh and feeding the spirit should have made this easier, but apparently it hasn’t. I feel like Frodo, buckling under the weight of this ring, and my friends have their lives to live. I am making the long and lonely journey with only the Holy Spirit as my companion, and He has been a piss poor companion lately, giving me the silent treatment, letting in all manner of attacks from my prodigal, and basically leaving me to my own devices.

So, help me, my community… my brothers and sisters… give some words of encouragement. Pray for me. Tell me that everything I have said is so wrong and mislead and that I am missing something huge and obvious and clear. Pray that God would grab me by the collar and shake me around and wake me up because the eyes and ears of my heart are flooded in darkness and despair.

God, Father, Daddy, please help me!!!!!

Advertisements

8 comments

  1. I struggle with the very same thoughts (even the scriptures) every single day. I cuddle a pillow to sleep. It’s been over 4 years now… I know this is no consolation, I am sorry. I am praying for you.

  2. Thank you for your hearfelt post, I guess you are voicing what most of us standers feel but dare not express. Having said that though, all we have when everything is gone, in my case health and job security on top of standing for a marriage that my husband gave up on much longer than him actually walking out. All we have is Christ, and that is all we need.

    It took me awhile to learn that, and am still learning daily when the storm rage and I feel hopeless and weak, I know that all I need is right here within me. I pray for supernatural empowerment, for wisdom and understanding and courage to keep on standing. Do not give up. God bless and keep you.

  3. I want to start by saying that I know EXACTLY where you are. In fact, many days this post could come straight from me. If there were an easy answer then I would give it to you in a second. Unfortunately, I don’t. What I can share are the things that God has given me.

    We are in a fight. Not a dust-up, not a skirmish but an all out brawl. We are fighting for our spouses (whether they want us to or not) and our families. I once told someone that if I turned a corner and my wife was being attacked physically I would jump in and defend her with everything that I have and win or die trying. That’s where we are at in the spiritual realm. And it’s brutal. We’re broken, bloody and bruised. Some days it takes everything that I have to scrape myself off of the floor and not take off my ring and step out of the fight because my wife rejects me.
    Why do I do it? On the good days out of love. On the bad ones obedience. You see, we have been spoken to as standers and we know what God asks of us. In walking away from my wife I would also be walking away from God. Looking back at my life after that I would always know and regret that I failed in what I was called to do.
    That’s the why.
    It doesn’t make the loneliness fade when I miss my wife. It doesn’t make it hurt less when I go to bed alone and God seems so far away. What it does do is remind me that even on the days when I have told God that I’ve had enough He calls me back for one more round and gives me the strength to get on my knees and pray for her. If this were a boxing match, I would like to think that I’m in the 12th round. As it is, I might be in the 1st. All I know is that I have to keep pushing ahead to get the victory even when it feels like I’m down for the count.
    God is in your corner, brother. He’ll tend the cuts, refresh you and get you ready for the next round. It’s just that sometimes the rounds seem so long. Don’t give up. We’re praying for you right now. Your doubts and fears are known to Jesus. Your loneliness and pain are familiar territory to Him; he went through it too. It’s small consolation now, but in the end you will know Him more intimately as a result.

  4. There are no easy answers here. I’m in the same storm with the same struggles. All I know is that Jesus has let me cry, rage, question and doubt before picking me up and showing me love in unexpected ways. He is with you and will come through for you. He made you and take some small measure of consolation in the fact that you are made to compliment your wife and that is being perfected for when she returns. Let me give you an example.

    I regret every time that I let something distract me when my wife just wanted to cuddle. I didn’t used to count time napping together as time “together” because (so I thought) she wouldn’t even know that I was there. Instead I would grab a beer and play video games. God is using this painful time to bring my heart closer to His and make me aware of just what it means to be one flesh. Yes, it sucks that she is filling that same need now with someone else. It hurts.
    At the same time, at least it STILL hurts and that means that I haven’t gone numb spiritually and quit.
    Don’t give up. Fight for her because she needs you to, not because she wants it. With Christ you can so this. I am praying for you.

    1. Thanks. I need to let everything you’ve said soak into my heart… It has been a tough week, and the enemy really poured it on Friday morning… It’s Monday now… time to hope in Him for a new week of victory.

  5. I think we all feel this same stuff but some don’t want to admit it. God knows what’s in our hearts and it’s not like we can hide our feelings from us. He isn’t going to be surprised by our struggle with understanding why we have to endure so much. We love our spouses so very much but God loves us even more. If we believe that, then we have to believe that somehow there is a true act of love going on right now through this. God isn’t just torturing us, there is something to be learned.

    On this holiday weekend where I am alone, as I am every weekend, I see families together and I have horrible envy and sadness. I wonder if I will ever be a mother or a wife again. For me, it will be two years very soon. Two years since the day he left and since I’ve had any communication with him whatsoever. It looks bleaker and bleaker. Selfishly, I sometimes wish we had children together so that we at least had some sort of necessary connection. But, despite all of this, I am realizing the need to follow God’s will through this. It is horribly painful, lonely, devastating, etc., but no matter what happens, reconciliation or not, I have to keep it up. If I don’t, Lord knows it’ll only land me in more trouble. Sometimes it’s the fear of something worse that keeps me in line.

    I understand your need for answers and even your need for touch. Goodness, I haven’t been hugged for months. I hate coming home to an empty house. I don’t know how long we must suffer the consequences of selfishness but for what it’s worth, it has helped me to focus on Gods will now, not just mine. Yes, God has you standing, but remember, God has you doing many other things as well, like being a father and blogger. I think it’s helpful sometimes to dive into those other areas more, in order to help alleviate some of the pain of standing. After all, it’s hard to be surrounded by others in the same despair day after day.

    We may not reap the benefits of this stand in this lifetime but we WILL reap! We have planted a seed for our spouses, we are doing the part that we can do.

  6. Wow, many of your posts could be written by me if I had the gift of gab or ability. But I feel your pain and know exactly what you mean. Similar to the gentleman I wished I had hugged my wife more when she was around because now it has been almost 7 months and what I would do just for a simple hug. It gets so lonely and then I start thinking this is not what God wants from me, he wants me to go out and be happy maybe start another family. I struggle with this stand and I am trying to not put a time limit but for me it seems each day gets harder. Makes me thinks gods will is divorce. Maybe my wife is correct that Gods will is for each of to find love elsewhere.

    1. Jokester…i wonder if its Gods will forme to be alone. After two years, no communication, and a divorce….how cant i think that? Maybe this needed to happen in order to keep my salvation..that I am Godlier alone.

      But God does not break up marriages. He will not so this so you find someone else. God speaks against divorce and th scroptures tell us to tay with thr spouse, even the unbeliever. ..so He will not contradict Himself in that way.He may not bring us back together…but He will not break us up to find another. Think…if God did that….He would leave us too.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s