Despair, Despise, and Die

Okay, kids. This one is a bit raw. I’m just going to put it out there. I’m hurting. I’m struggling. Maybe some of you are too. Hopefully this ministers to you in some way. Either way, I need to get it out.

Despair

darknessOkay, so I’m now two months and nine days into my stand. That isn’t that much time considering the years some people have stood. I’m praying in the morning. I’m praying on my commute. I’m praying all day long. I’m reading the Word. I’m listening to sermons. I’m praying in my back yard, screaming out to God. I’m kneeling, bowing, walking, standing, sitting, and prostrate in prayer. I am gathering with others in prayer. I am praying scripture over my prodigal spouse constantly. I am falling asleep listening to the Word. The enemy keeps turning up the heat, and I keep waiting for a breakthrough. Meanwhile, the “bad reports” role in and the circumstances pile up. Where are you God? What are you doing on my behalf? You say that, “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause” (Psalm 25:3), and yet I am being put to shame daily!

Despise

So I’ve been on a Steven Furtick kick, and I’ve been listening to sermons from Elevation Church. Most recently, I listened to two sermons that really got to me, Crash the Chatterbox pt. 3 and That Thing. In Crash the Chatterbox pt. 3, Furtick poses the the “what if” question. What if my worst fears come true? Won’t God still love me and be there for me anyway? Well, two months ago, my greatest fear came true, and my new worst fear is that she’ll never come back. I fear that I’ll grow old in loneliness, holding to God’s promise and law.

What if? Won’t God still love me and be there for me anyway?

The answer from my heart is, “I don’t care!”, and that, kids, is the PG version. I still don’t care. In That Thing, Furtick talks about how we’re pleading with Him to fix that thing that’s broken or hurting in our lives, but that God wants to fix our underlying thing first. What’s my underlying thing? I still want her more than I want Him. What’s more, I know that that is what He wants to change! I know that he is a jealous God. I spent all weekend crying out to God to change my heart. Instead of wanting Him more, though, I find myself despising God. I am angry with Him for withholding his blessing while I try to make a change that I feel totally unequipped to make, a change that may take years, a change that I want to get done now so I can have my wife back. I’m trying to yield to Him. I’m trying to hear His voice. I’m trying to change my heart. Meanwhile, Satan is screaming in my head that God is being unfair and unloving, that He can fix my situation but isn’t fixing it to prove a point, and that I’ll never live up to His expectations of me. Oh, God, help me!!! My head knows that God loves me no matter what. My head knows that if God is trying to get me to grow, that for my own good. My head knows that God is working on the other side of this mountain of circumstances, preparing to cast it into the sea. My head knows that his timing is perfect. My heart is really really really ticked off and hurt and becoming bitter… and that, again, is the PG version. Oh, God, help me!!!   

Die

How do I die to this? How do I truly die to self? How do I give this up? Honestly, I finally understand, “to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). I get it. I’d much rather be with God than be here, going through this, but I still don’t get the “to live is Christ” part. I want to get that part. I want to be consumed by Christ. I want this pain to stop. I want to stop fearing every text message and email that the enemy is sending me through my wife. I want to stop fearing bad reports from my kids, my friends, and my attorney. I want to trust God. I want to thirst for God. I want to stop worrying about all of this crap and “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:25-34). How do I get my heart to follow??? How do I stop thinking more about what is absent than about what is present (all meanings of present intended)? Help me! God, in Jesus name, help! I have never felt so lost and in pain in all of my life. I have never felt so abandoned and rejected and betrayed in all of my life. I have never felt so alone and dark and miserable. I’m struggling to walk in victory. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m struggling.

I would say that I need God to show up, but I know that he never left. He’s right here with me, but I can’t feel Him. I can’t see Him. I can’t hear Him. I just want to be reassured. I just want to be comforted. I just want to be held…

7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” (Psalm 27:7-8 New Living Translation NLT)

“Come and talk with me.” God wants me to come and talk with Him. He doesn’t want me to scream and beg at Him all of the time, I’m sure. He wants me to come and talk with Him. I feel like I spend most of my time telling Him how nice it would be if he could rearrange the schedule so I could be talking with her instead of Him. I’m sure He loves that. Yet, I am angry with Him. Meanwhile, He loves me through it all. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Do any of you ever feel like this?? Seriously! Someone comment below and give me an Amen or something! Maybe I won’t feel so crazy and alone.

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10 comments

  1. I have felt what you are feeling. It consumed me for months. I curled up in a ball and could not leave my bed. I guess I never felt as angry with God as you are feeling, but the pain was miserable. And it still is. I want my “suddenly”. Some days are much worse than others. But on the whole I am learning to lean more on Him and I have definitely decided that in my situation this is about the eternal souls of both me and my wife. I would never have “woken up” without this sort of foundation-shaking event. If I get my wife back but we go back to the sorts of lives we were living before, what would lead me to believe that this won’t just happen again? I am praying for you and for all Standers…

  2. I just want to say I have walked this same path, and I still do to some extent – I will say that the Lord is faithful always even when we aren’t. Yes, we need to focus entirely on the Lord and die to self.
    You are not alone. I have been standing for three years and almost six months now. The Lord is good. I still see no outward sign that my beloved spouse is changing his mind but I have accepted that even if he never comes back, I am not to look for another relationship as much as I miss being married. God has provided for me and my children, I am thankful.

    I know the darkness… this last night was very hard, waking up every couple of hours and then praying until I fall asleep again. Pacing the house, praying outside my children’s bedroom doors – I know the darkness. The Lord is with me in the darkness too, praise His name!

    Praying for you.

  3. I have felt this same way so many times. Some weeks it seems like I feel like this everyday. Some weeks, God feels a little closer. But, then the enemy attacks, and it seems I’m right back where I started.
    I just found your blog today, and it has blessed me. I’ve been standing for my marriage for 8 months now. Thank you for putting your real feelings out there.

    1. I’m glad you resonate with my posts. I hope they are a blessing. I’m really trying to be a help and not a hindrance to fellow standers, while being real about what I feel. God bless. May your suddenly come swiftly.

  4. I have also listened to The Thing. I have realized where I failed in my marriage. My husband has left me and my 14 year old daughter. The pain is overwhelming. I feel I need to stand. I am living with the guilt of where we failed in marriage, didn’t make God central. Now living with the consequences. My husband has absolutely no desire of reconciling. Says this is better for all of us. We will all be more “healthy”… Trying to maintain 2 households when we were barely making it maintaining one household. Trying to explain to a 14 year old that God hates divorce, that we need to trust God, when I can’t even feel like I trust God. Giving up counseling because I can no longer afford it. Having people say move on….. So all I feel is alone. And yet I’m supposed to say God is good……

    1. My wife also has reasoned to herself that this is better and makes her “a better mom”. My kids are 7 and 3 so I cannot even explain to them that God hates divorce without being in legal trouble and possibly losing custody. They just have to remain in confusion, as I pray against this generational curse being passed down to their families.

    2. I just want to encourage you… I stood for a full year. I know that’s not long at all compared to many others. But, even now I feel like it was an eternity. My situation was bad. Very bad. I had a baby girl and a husband who wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me. But, God…. My situation did not improve. There was nothing gradual. I had no reason in the natural to believe anything would ever change. Then one day, it all shifted. It happened in an instant. Your suddenly will come. Read that again. It. Will. Come. God is faithful. My heart hurts for you. For all standers. And I pray that the lord gives you His peace right now, in Jesus’ name.

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