Idolatry, patience, and idolatry… did i mention idolatry?
God’s timing is perfect. How many times do we standers hear that? We hear that almost as much as we hear that God wants to be first in our heart. It is true. God is a jealous god (Exodus 34:14).
So, how do I make God first? I nearly worshiped my wife when she was at home, and now that I’m standing and praying for her constantly it’s even worse. So here I am,
- Reading the Word
- Listening to the Word
- Listening to Rejoice ministries podcasts
- Fasting from all other media…
…every day. I feel like I’m in constant prayer. Still, so many of my prayers end up being about her.
Flipping out and feeling better…
So, today, I got in my car after work and started crying out to God… no, I was really crying out. I nearly went hoarse:
God, I want you to be first! I want you to be sufficient for me. I want to love you so much that I don’t need her! I want to desire you! I want to hunger for your word and meditate on your will! I want to be 110% sold out for you! I’m tired of feeling like my world is in gray-scale because she’s gone. I don’t know how to make my heart turn fully to you God. Help me! Help me! Change my heart! I want to be wholly yours! I don’t know how. Take this sickness from me!!! Help me want you more than I want her back!
So, yeah, I kind of flipped out like that for twenty or so minutes with a lot of tears and snot and stuff. Then I started to feel better. I still got a huge burden tonight to pray for my wife. I prayed some scriptures for her, then I played with my kids, fed them dinner, and I’m still feeling better. There was a moment when my almost-three-year-old daughter asked me to come up and rock her. She said she wanted to pray for mommy and that she missed her. I was a crying snotty mess again, but now that’s gone.
Maybe I’ll have to flip out like that once a day until my heart really falls in line. Either way, I want to put God first. I want to continue standing in the gap for my prodigal spouse. Squaring that circle moving forward shall be interesting…