Okay, kids. This one is a bit raw. I’m just going to put it out there. I’m hurting. I’m struggling. Maybe some of you are too. Hopefully this ministers to you in some way. Either way, I need to get it out.
Okay, so I’m now two months and nine days into my stand. That isn’t that much time considering the years some people have stood. I’m praying in the morning. I’m praying on my commute. I’m praying all day long. I’m reading the Word. I’m listening to sermons. I’m praying in my back yard, screaming out to God. I’m kneeling, bowing, walking, standing, sitting, and prostrate in prayer. I am gathering with others in prayer. I am praying scripture over my prodigal spouse constantly. I am falling asleep listening to the Word. The enemy keeps turning up the heat, and I keep waiting for a breakthrough. Meanwhile, the “bad reports” role in and the circumstances pile up. Where are you God? What are you doing on my behalf? You say that, “No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, but shame will come on those who are treacherous without cause” (Psalm 25:3), and yet I am being put to shame daily!
So I’ve been on a Steven Furtick kick, and I’ve been listening to sermons from Elevation Church. Most recently, I listened to two sermons that really got to me, Crash the Chatterbox pt. 3 and That Thing. In Crash the Chatterbox pt. 3, Furtick poses the the “what if” question. What if my worst fears come true? Won’t God still love me and be there for me anyway? Well, two months ago, my greatest fear came true, and my new worst fear is that she’ll never come back. I fear that I’ll grow old in loneliness, holding to God’s promise and law.
What if? Won’t God still love me and be there for me anyway?
The answer from my heart is, “I don’t care!”, and that, kids, is the PG version. I still don’t care. In That Thing, Furtick talks about how we’re pleading with Him to fix that thing that’s broken or hurting in our lives, but that God wants to fix our underlying thing first. What’s my underlying thing? I still want her more than I want Him. What’s more, I know that that is what He wants to change! I know that he is a jealous God. I spent all weekend crying out to God to change my heart. Instead of wanting Him more, though, I find myself despising God. I am angry with Him for withholding his blessing while I try to make a change that I feel totally unequipped to make, a change that may take years, a change that I want to get done now so I can have my wife back. I’m trying to yield to Him. I’m trying to hear His voice. I’m trying to change my heart. Meanwhile, Satan is screaming in my head that God is being unfair and unloving, that He can fix my situation but isn’t fixing it to prove a point, and that I’ll never live up to His expectations of me. Oh, God, help me!!! My head knows that God loves me no matter what. My head knows that if God is trying to get me to grow, that for my own good. My head knows that God is working on the other side of this mountain of circumstances, preparing to cast it into the sea. My head knows that his timing is perfect. My heart is really really really ticked off and hurt and becoming bitter… and that, again, is the PG version. Oh, God, help me!!!
How do I die to this? How do I truly die to self? How do I give this up? Honestly, I finally understand, “to die is gain” (Philippians 1:21). I get it. I’d much rather be with God than be here, going through this, but I still don’t get the “to live is Christ” part. I want to get that part. I want to be consumed by Christ. I want this pain to stop. I want to stop fearing every text message and email that the enemy is sending me through my wife. I want to stop fearing bad reports from my kids, my friends, and my attorney. I want to trust God. I want to thirst for God. I want to stop worrying about all of this crap and “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:25-34). How do I get my heart to follow??? How do I stop thinking more about what is absent than about what is present (all meanings of present intended)? Help me! God, in Jesus name, help! I have never felt so lost and in pain in all of my life. I have never felt so abandoned and rejected and betrayed in all of my life. I have never felt so alone and dark and miserable. I’m struggling to walk in victory. I’m struggling to get out of bed. I’m struggling.
I would say that I need God to show up, but I know that he never left. He’s right here with me, but I can’t feel Him. I can’t see Him. I can’t hear Him. I just want to be reassured. I just want to be comforted. I just want to be held…
7 Hear me as I pray, O Lord.
Be merciful and answer me!
8 My heart has heard you say, “Come and talk with me.”
And my heart responds, “Lord, I am coming.” (Psalm 27:7-8 New Living Translation NLT)
“Come and talk with me.” God wants me to come and talk with Him. He doesn’t want me to scream and beg at Him all of the time, I’m sure. He wants me to come and talk with Him. I feel like I spend most of my time telling Him how nice it would be if he could rearrange the schedule so I could be talking with her instead of Him. I’m sure He loves that. Yet, I am angry with Him. Meanwhile, He loves me through it all. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Do any of you ever feel like this?? Seriously! Someone comment below and give me an Amen or something! Maybe I won’t feel so crazy and alone.